Discovering an Affair
"Is there any hope for our marriage,"
Becky asks, wiping away tears. She sat on the same couch as her husband in the counselling room, with her arms and legs crossed and pinned as close to her side of the couch as possible. Her body language clearly displayed pain over her husband's infidelity. She was left feeling a deep emptiness from his betrayal.
"One moment I want to smash him in the face and the next I want to hug him. I'm on this emotional roller coaster and I am sick to my stomach!"
"I think what hurts the most is how he played me for stupid,"
she says, glaring at her husband who cowers under her burning stare.
This is a "normal" expression of pain by a wife who recently caught her husband cheating. Indeed, she is on an emotional roller coaster and she feels as though she is trapped on it and cannot get off. These pervasive up and down feelings contribute to the belief that she will never be able to trust her husband again. This is a critical phase in affair recovery because Becky can either find the tools to heal and move on, or get stuck in a deep sinkhole that threatens any chance of healing.
Discovering the affair can be a huge shock. It can trigger a tsunami of powerful emotions. It will knock you off your feet. You will be hit hard! It will hurt terribly!
It is important that you do some very critical but simple things.
Give yourself some time and space to endure the shock. Lashing out in an emotional outburst may be a normal reaction, but it may not be wise.
You are wounded, hurt and scared. You need the care of a responsive non-judgmental professional. It is what you need. It is what you deserve.
Connect with a Professional
Because of the high level of emotions, the help of a marriage therapist is key to assisting a couple discover the issues between them, to rebuild safety which will lead to trust, and to develop important communication skills that will generate a relationship that becomes affair-proof. Failure to do this can result in individuals carrying deep resentment and unresolved trust issues into future relationships, subsequently sabotaging a future sense of relationship enjoyment.
If you donít ask for help in lifeís most painful and difficult times... I wonder when it is that you should ask for help?
A professional therapist will help you restore order in a process that takes courage, time and healing.
Becky might begin to believe that if she ends her marriage and distances herself from her husband that this will make her all consuming pain go away. She would more likely discover that she would be choosing short-term relief only to have long-term pain and resentment. This can often be nothing less than classic avoidance of uncomfortable emotions. No one is suggesting that this process would be easyóitís not. However, it can be very rewarding.
Couples who do the work of affair recovery find a new level of inner power and courage.
Research shows that couples that do not pace themselves, in order to ensure that the toxic issues have been completely examined and healed, sabotage the end goal. Accept that this takes time!
Your relationship often can be restored!
Are you experiencing the pain of infidelity?
We can help. Reach out and connect.
We will respond and we will help!